we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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