Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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