Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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