proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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