drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
