I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize