You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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