i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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