Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
