I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
