haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
