Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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