i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
