so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
