I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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