Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
