shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
