a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
