its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Randomize
