Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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