During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
