I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Small penises have feelings too.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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