Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
