Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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