you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
