I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
