If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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