Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
