I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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