i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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