Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
