You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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