the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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