I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
