I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
