Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
