are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
