I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize