$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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