Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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