I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
