this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
