I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
