I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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