So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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