just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
