my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
