Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
