i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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