last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
