My liver just broke up with me...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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