i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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