But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
