I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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