Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
