the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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