I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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