I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
