On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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