take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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