You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
