we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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